Making It So Hard

Making It So Hard

Trust. Depending on who you are or whom you are dealing with it may be hard to give out or hard to earn. I like to think people are guarded with reason, that people are just cold-hearted just to be so. But then there may be people out there who genuinely get joy and pleasure from making people do the absolute most with no intentions of giving them what it is they are working so hard to achieve, their trust. This post is not to talk down on those who engage in those time of trust games, I wanted to share my take on moving on from relationships whether good or bad.

I think I should start with moving out of a good relationship first. To me, this does not receive much public recognition when two people move on and the break up is amicable. Most times in society, whether on television, in music, on movie screens or through word of mouth through friends we always find out about a bad break up. Hardly ever do we talk about how to people left their last relationship on good terms, which I think we should. So here we go.

I know most of us do not seek to be in relationships for them to end, first of all. I can’t see anyone deciding to have feelings for someone, putting in the effort to start a new relationship, build upon that relationship and work to stay in the relationship only to have it end before forever has come. With that said, sometimes things just do not work out. Feelings die away and the butterflies that were felt in the beginning, no matter what is done, never come back. The little things that didn’t bother her in the beginning, drive her crazy and she’d rather keep the friendship than to live in love of a failing relationship. He isn’t the same romantic he was in the beginning and he does not know what to do in order to get that back with her. There are many more reasons for people deciding to end a relationship before it gets too bad but how do you leave a good relationship and be okay with that?

I’m sure both women and men have asked themselves this question if they left a relationships that had nothing wrong but just was not moving forward in love anymore. Which is perfectly fine, but I personally think these can be some of the harder relationships to leave because if nothing was wrong why did it not work? The best way, in my opinion, to leave good relationships in the past is to acknowledge what the relationship was in its entirety. By this I mean, if there were times when he/she made you mad for that thing that he/she said but you never said anything to them and never forgot about it, acknowledge that. If he/she did something that made you smile and it was the simplest thing that they did which caused you to stare and smile at them, acknowledge that. Highlight the great things about the person you were last in a relationship with as well as the things that didn’t always make you smile but you still kept your feelings for them.

The reason why I suggest this is simple, nosey people are going to ask why you broke up with ‘so and so’ – they will say you two were so perfect, you had such a great relationship, nothing seemed wrong – so why did you leave? It’s best to prepare yourself mentally for that, before the questions start pouring in. Going through the pros and cons, if you will, about your last significant other will assist you when speaking to those people who have never left a good relationship. Amicable break ups can occur and do occur often. There is nothing wrong with that but it can be overwhelming when your friends are badgering you and you may start to look at those cons and say, “Well it was that one time when he forgot to call me after he worked a 12 hour shift and I stayed up until 7AM that next morning even though I had to make work for 8AM. So inconsiderate of him.” Starting to create false perceptions because others wanted you to have a bad break up. Most of the time that is because they recently had a bad breakup and want someone else to wallow in their misery all the same. SO STAY AWAY if people seem to be in your ear saying negative things about your last partner as if he was not a great catch because YOU know better.

Now the flip side to that is a bad break up, of course. I have the same suggestion as for leaving a good relationship with a few additions. First of all, you should detail the things about your last lover that truly made you happy and list the great times you both shared while also detailing the times when he/she just did not make you feel like their special friend, their significant other, etc. From that list I’m confident you will find the reason why you no longer wanted to be in the relationship. After you have your talking points for dealing with the questions your friends will have for you. Next, I think it is important to recognize the role YOU played in the break up.

I say that because many times, past lovers like to place the blame solely on their last partner not taking any responsibility for what went wrong in the relationship. You can say to yourself you had nothing to do with your last bad break up but the true fact of the matter is you did. No maybe you didn’t cheat when the other person did but you may not have expressed how your partner hanging with that particular friend bothered you and because they ‘didn’t know’ here you both are. I’m not saying to go out and think it is your fault if they cheated but I am encouraging you to look deeper into the reason why the relationship is no more. If it is as simple as you not expressing yourself, the next time you are in a relationship try to be more open about your feelings. If it was that you were too expressive, try to conceal some things (with caution). Don’t go holding in important things but expressing frivolous, superficial details – that is pointless.

The last thing I would advise in moving on from a bad relationship is to forgive that person for whatever it is they did to you. Depending on how badly they hurt you will determine on how long it takes you to forgive them but at some point you have to let go of the negativity that surrounded that last break up in order to spark a new interest in someone, a spark that is meaningful that is. You can easily move on from a bad relationship/break up, in to meaningless interactions with people just for the sake of being in a ‘situation’ but that is pointless. Unless that’s your thing, then by all means engage.

If you are looking to start a new relationship in a positive manner, acknowledge the good and bad things about your last relationship, recognize the part you played in the departure of feelings, and ultimately forgive that person for the break up. I feel if you do these three together you will have repaired your heart in a way that will allow it to being to trust again. Trust is the hardest thing to achieve once it has been broken, so if you have trust issues from your last relationship – there is no way you will be able to trust your new relationship to become all that it can be. I will end this post by saying I am by NO means a relationship expert. I have not been in a slew of long-term relationships from which this post derived but I am a very observant person, who has many friends that have gone through the good, the bad and the ugly when it comes to relationships. I’ve taken all that I have learned so far from their interactions and used that as my basis for this post. I hope this helped you if you are dealing with any issues in a romantic relationship or even in a platonic friendship or when dealing with family members. If you are just reading for the read, I hope it was entertaining all the same.

Until next time… Namaste

 

Terri is a writer by birth, at heart, and by talent. She is a kool millennial Caribbean blogger from Bermuda who loves social media as much as she loves chocolate. Terri has had an entrepreneur’s spirit since she was a young girl. She promised herself that she would create a lifestyle that she was not only proud to share with others, but one that she was ultimately happy to live. While living in Atlanta for the past 5 years, Terri she had the opportunity to have partnered with, contributed to, and created with various Caribbean inspired brands to include, but are not limited to the following: DaFlavaRadio, United Trends, RepJA, and IGLOO Atlanta.

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  • Very enlightening post. I’ve had two bad breakups, no good ones. Both times, I left. And both times, it took a different amount of time before I could “let go.” First one took a year, second took about a month. I think a big part of that was the first time, I blamed him. Granted, he was emotionally abusive, but it took me a long time to realize my own part. The second time, I realized that the reason I was leaving was because I wasn’t right for him. I took the responsibility. And it made an 11 month difference in recovery.

    I’ll definitely be following your blog. I love your insights.

    • Thank you for the follow and I appreciate your comment. I definitely think break ups are on an individual basis, we all react differently to situations no matter how prepared we like to think we are. I personally think that taking responsibility for one’s own part in the break ups can definitely help to ease the process and move ‘recovery’ along faster. Feel free to share the links with your friends and I will definitely give your blog a gander & follow!

  • Marco Santucci

    Very interesting read, I can say this, time and patience are good medicine for a break up weather good or bad. Distance and even a change in where you do and don’t go will give you peace of mind and a new outlook. The best best cure for a broken heart is a new start but some times in fact more times than not you will go through the toughest of times. My advice is when you are going through hell, keep going! Joy is on the other side so move to another place get another job or find your way back to school to study something new. What ever it is make sure it’s your choice alone and you will be committed to it for some time. Before you know it that old relationship will be replaced by something else that brings you joy.