Like most things in my life, I am learning every day how to be better than I was the day before. Relationships, for me, are a challenge to master.
Sure. I know how to treat people. But, do I always treat them that way? Nope. Not at all.
A friend of mines, Shannen, ask me about how we interact in relationships when we are emotional. We being women but this blog post is relevant to men as well.
I will share my insight on how emotions can harm your romantic relationships. But, I urge you to think about how they can affect other types of relationships. Such as your familial and friendships.
For me, it is easiest to talk about intimate relationships. It seems to resonate with readers. I guess because we are all struggle in some way or another to master relationships.
Before I continue, I would like to thank Shannen for this suggestion. I hope as you read these words you become aware of who you are in your relationships.
How Do You Say What You Mean In Relationships?
If you’re like me. You feel like you ALWAYS say what you mean. There are very few words that you utter that you did not mean to say, right?
But when I am honest with myself. There have been a few times. Ok. Ok. A lot of times I have been quick to respond. Only to find myself minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, even years later. Thinking I should never have said that.
Usually, the damage is already done. There is nothing I can do to change what I said. I can apologise and attempt to do better the next time.
Here are 3 questions you should ask yourself to say what you mean:
1. What emotion am I feeling?
Understanding how you feel at any given moment will help you to make a better decision in the words you speak.
For instance, when you are angry, have you noticed how short you are with your significant other? He nor she has done anything to you in that moment. But, your anger is guiding your words.
Contrary. Have you noticed when you are happy every word you speak is complimentary? That your tone has a rhythm to it?
How you feel has a direct impact on how your interact with your significant other. Whether girlfriend/boyfriend, fiancé/fiancée, wife/husband!
2. Will this help or harm my relationship?
If whatever you are about to say will not have a positive affect on your relationship DO NOT SAY IT.
This is the time when you should pause. To understand your emotions to determine exactly WHAT you want to say.
If your lover has done something that hurt your feelings, do you even know why you have hurt feelings? Are you trying to get attention? Was there a moment in your childhood that you flashed back to?
Whatever it is. You need to be clear if you are walking the thin line of harming your relationship instead of helping it.
3. Is this a want or a need?
Sometimes I confuse these 2 things. If I want it, chances are I need it, right?
While this can be true. For the most part, my wants and needs are not equal!
Scenario. Do you need to talk your significant other to show him/her how to love you deeper? Or do you want him or her to “get” why you are mad/sad/upset/frustrated?
I said “get” because TOO often I wanted my boyfriends to “get” me without telling them who I was. What made me tick. What bothered me. ETC!
Once you have established an emotionally healthy space within your head. You need to actually MEAN what you SAY. For everyone. The previous 3 questions will take different lengths of times to achieve.
My biggest piece of advice is to be patient with your personal process. You are perfectly in progress. There is nothing about you that is incorrect. The more you seek to understand who you are. The easier it will be for you to be your authentic self at all times.
Now. Here are 3 things you should keep in mind to mean what you say.
1. Mind your tone
Self-explanatory right? Nope! Not for this Gemini. That’s for sure.
My mum reminds me constantly that it is not always what I say. But, how I say it. Which leads into the next point…
2. Speak as if you were the receiver
If you were to hear what you are about to say to your significant other. How would you feel? Would you be defensive? Would you be receptive?
This definitely takes practice. And no, you will not always get it right. You cannot control how others will interpret your words.
But you can make every effort to remove any miscommunication on your part.
3. Be humble and honest
You have to enter every conversation after a prayer (if you’re a Christian). Or an affirmation of positivity.
You want to go in with a spirit that is not based on your ego. Be open to criticism. But do not bite your tongue because you are afraid of how your partner will react.
If you enter the conversation with the sole purpose to respect your feelings. As well as your partner’s. There is a very slim chance the conversation will go left.
Being your authentic self is one of the greatest gifts you can give to your lover. If you pause enough to hear yourself speak. Listen and watch how your partner reacts. You will be able to discern if you saying what you mean while meaning what you say.
When I was younger I defended myself with the nursery rhyme. “Stick and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.” It was a false truth I told myself back then.
Today, I live in a space where I understand words are powerful. If I am not careful, I have the potential to break down an entire relationship. The same holds true for you in your relationships.