Relationships: I’m Hurt! Did You Really Mean What You Said?

Relationships: I’m Hurt! Did You Really Mean What You Said?

Like most things in my life, I am learning every day how to be better than I was the day before. Relationships, for me, are a challenge to master.

Sure. I know how to treat people. But, do I always treat them that way? Nope. Not at all.

A friend of mines, Shannen, ask me about how we interact in relationships when we are emotional. We being women but this blog post is relevant to men as well.

I will share my insight on how emotions can harm your romantic relationships. But, I urge you to think about how they can affect other types of relationships. Such as your familial and friendships.

For me, it is easiest to talk about intimate relationships. It seems to resonate with readers. I guess because we are all struggle in some way or another to master relationships.

Before I continue, I would like to thank Shannen for this suggestion. I hope as you read these words you become aware of who you are in your relationships.

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Making It So Hard

Making It So Hard

Trust. Depending on who you are or whom you are dealing with it may be hard to give out or hard to earn. I like to think people are guarded with reason, that people are just cold-hearted just to be so. But then there may be people out there who genuinely get joy and pleasure from making people do the absolute most with no intentions of giving them what it is they are working so hard to achieve, their trust. This post is not to talk down on those who engage in those time of trust games, I wanted to share my take on moving on from relationships whether good or bad.

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The Spouse Syndrome

‘Tis the season to be in a relationship! LOL. Okay may be this isn’t officially the season to be in a relationship as they can happen at any point within the year – but it just so happens that many people tend to start more new relationships around this time of the year. The colder seasons tend to have that affect on people, in my opinion. With that said though, this post is not so much dedicated to the joys of relationships per se as it is to the struggles some relationships have.

For the most part relationships go through the honeymoon phase while dating, everything seems great – it’s amazing. “He does this for me and it’s so sweet.” “She does that for me and I can’t get enough.” For a relationship to have an extended honeymoon phase some intense effort needs to be executed. But what works for two doesn’t work for us all, I sincerely think some relationships get to the rocky phases earlier than others because one spouse (or both) started expecting things based on past relationships they have been in or by looking at another relationship such as that of a friend or coworker.

Now I believe it is apart of our human nature to have expectations for the people we encounter in life. Some expectations are higher than others depending on the person, the type of relationship, how long the relationship has been and whatever else you as an individual hold important to you. However, I think one of the best things you can do in your relationship is loosen or get rid of some of the expectations you place on your significant other. THIS IS NOT BY ANY MEANS LOWERING YOUR STANDARDS. I want to be very clear to explain the difference in the two, for me. Personally, I define standards as being manifestations of your ethics, morals and beliefs. What is right to me, may seem wrong to another – this is usually because how I define ‘right’ in a certain situation is different from how another person rationalizes it in the same situation. Alternatively, expectations are created based on how one defines the roles people have in his/her lives. For example, one expects their mother to love them unconditionally – good or bad – because she is one of the people who help created you, she carried you for 9 months (more or less) and why wouldn’t she right? But then that same person can have a certain standard of what a mother should be, which may or may not be different from their own mum. It could be based on how their mother treated them, positive or negative, whether they like the way they were treated by their mum, her interactions with one’s father or other men, etc.

Once you have made that distinction between an expectation and a standard, I do believe you can then truly understand why your relationship is so blissful or why it has seem to come upon hard times. But if you go through that process and you find it’s not your expectations of your spouse nor is it the standards you have because your significant other has met both beyond what you had set for them… It may be a deeper issue rooted in who that person truly is.

I personally believe the best relationships, the long-lasting relationships, are the ones in which each spouse compliments the other without an extreme amount of effort. I believe in their being someone on this earth truly created for you as an individual. Your likes, your dislikes. What makes you tick on the inside, that person has learned and knows when to act or react to you and vice versa. The way you think, that person is keen on and can anticipate your reactions in certain situations and knows just what to say. When you think no one else notices your mood change, that special someone does. The list could go on forever.

But I said all that to say that if you ever get to those rock in a hard place kind of feelings in your relationships you should probably reevaluate your relationship. The worst thing you can do, in my opinion, is to compare your spouse to someone else and make them feel as if they are not living up to the standard of the other person because at the end of the day it becomes ‘well maybe you should be with so-and-so and not me.’ I’m NO relationship guru, I don’t think I have all the answers in life cause I’m only twenty-three BUT I try to be as open as I can in my relationships, intimate and the nots, and it’s from those relationships that I pull inspiration from for this post. So I hope you have found this post to be an interesting read and to include some opinions you may not have heard before or an opinion similar to your own.

Until next time… Namaste

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The Peephole to A Soul

So I was recently going through some photos that I was tagged in via Facebook to update my profile picture  and ran across a screen capture of a tweet I posted.

Pretty much everyday I have rather meaningful conversations with myself and I tend to share specific thoughts on twitter. Some days I go on ‘rants‘ and my followers can get an eyeful of thoughts, some good and others not so great. But for the most part, I tend to tweet thought provoking tweets during those rants. I feel it is important for everyone to spend some quality time with oneself. We put so much emphasis on making time for family and friends, to make sure those relationships do not suffer or become distant. Yet, the very person that we have been with our entire lives tends to get left to the wayside and we deal with him/her whenever we have the ‘time‘.

I tweeted last Sunday – that my favorite place to be is within my own thoughts. That was probably one of the realest tweets I have tweeted in a while. I truly think that being in one’s own thoughts brings up many emotions that one just truly does not wish to deal with but needs to deal with. People like to say they are so honest and that they do not hide their emotions but the truth of the matter is we all, at some point or another, hide our feelings from the ones that care about us the most.

Many of us have these walls up that we use to protect our heart and our feelings, because rejection is not a pleasant thing to deal with. No one wants to express something to someone and have that person judge them, shun them, make them feel like their feelings are futile and insignificant. Most of the people who do not share their feelings may have actually once been open about their feelings but had a negative experience, or multiple, which have since deterred them from sharing their feelings with others. There is no quick fix to getting someone to open him/herself up to others or in encouraging them to share their thoughts with you, if they are not ready.

As a species, mankind is very skeptical of our own counterparts. Many of us do not trust as easily or as quickly as others but when we do get to a certain point we will open up to others. The main thing I think one can do to ease him/herself into the process is to actually understand what their feelings are, know what thoughts they have, and find ways to effectively communicate. I am guilty of not doing the last step. I understand my feelings very well and I know what things I think of on a daily basis but actually effectively communicating them to others is where I have the greatest challenges. So I am working on that!

I encourage you if you are timid about sharing your feelings or you are receiving someone else in that regards, please be patient. We all were not born with the skill of walking; we started just rolling around on the floor then getting some strength in our legs and arms to crawl and eventually we were walking — getting into mischief. So the same way it was a process to learn to walk, it will be a process to become comfortable with expressing your feelings with others or receiving others’ feelings.

Until next time… Namaste

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Securely Insecure

So. I’ve decided to do a post about relationships, feelings, etc. Do not expect to find out any juicy details about my love life though, I most certainly will not indulge in such details online, LOL. But I’ve had a few things on my mind related to relationships and feelings, so I have been inspired to share them with you, my readers. Disclaimer: I am not a relationship guru, I am merely sharing my opinion and thoughts on the topic of relationships.

Relationships are an interesting concept to me. I say this because there are so many types of relationships people can come up with at the drop of a dime. For example, there are the general ones – family, friend, lover, enemy. But then under those, people have come up with some interesting additional types. Like you can be a close friend but not a best friend, a friend but not a lover ie. friend with benefits, you can be a friend who secretly hates but not a hater, and the list goes on. How men and women define these relationships TOO is intricate as well. The Mars v. Venus concept is the most general that I can think of: Men are less emotional beings than women and as such, women tend to get caught up in the many varying definitions of a relationship. Whereas a man, may keep things simple – we’re friends till we’re boyfriend/girlfriend till we’re fiance/fiancee till we’re husband/wife – and at each stage there is a mere difference in the relationship, that is the level of commitment and expectations.

Communication is by far the one thing I can say that I think makes or breaks a relationship. Couples that look cute together that do not communicate with each other are just for show. If he feels she is just his friend and as such acts accordingly but she gets upsets cause she never asked where they stood in their relationship, a problem exists. Jealousy is born and from it manifest drama, the one thing women are most often associated with. A negative generalization that has plagued women, historically. Conversely, men have an equally damaging generalization, that is the notion that all men are players, dogs,  cheaters, unable to be faithful, etc. In both situations, there are misconceptions about the other person but very rarely is effective communication a chosen remedy. Men go on ignoring women when they want to ‘talk’ and women continue to believe every guy they deal with will somehow do them wrong.

But before either a relationship forms and effective communication is used – one must actually like someone else: feelings! This is by far the kryptonite for many women, I personally have not known too many guys to express themselves being caught up in their feelings. This may be so because men are known to be very macho, emotionless, and prideful beings. Because women are wired to be more emotional than men, when a woman likes someone you can bet she is most certainly ‘all in‘! It can be a good thing in the sense that most women only their feelings for someone to keep them loyal. However it can be a bad thing, as some women get too caught up in their emotions, what they believe their relationship to be but are terrible communicators. Yet, another problem exists.

So having said all of that, I offer my opinion on relationships, communications and feelings:

  • Open, honest communication is necessary: It is by far one of the hardest things to accomplish if you are not an effective communicator but I promise you it will make a world of a difference. Too many times people blame situations on the person they like because in their eyes that person was wrong. I bet if they had a conversation about whatever was bothering them before it got too far, they wouldn’t be at all upset.
  • Express how you feel, when you feel it: Waiting till later is the devil! LoL. Extreme but I’m so serious about this one. You’d be surprised how much stress and drama you can rid in your life if you just tell people how you feel when you feel it. (I personally fail at this one, so you’re not alone)
  • Assume nothing: Ha! Assumptions are the devil’s off-springs. Just because you think it should be a certain way, you feel it is this way – I promise you the other person may not be feeling the same way you are. An assumption is a lie people tell themselves then are usually surprised when they find out the truth.
  • Do things because you want to: Please please please, pay particular attention to this note. Too many people, ladies and gents, only do things to get something in return or because they feel obligated to. WRONG! If you like/love someone, do whatever it is you plan on doing for them genuinely because you want to do it, intrinsically. You’ll begin to dislike that person if you do things for them out of guilt or because you are looking to receive something back and you never get it. If you have to explain to that person why you will not do something for them then do so. But you will have a rocky relationship if you constantly only do things because you think it is expected because you did it once before.
  • Be happy in like/love: Above everything else try to remain positive. If nothing else, try to keep a positive attitude with and around the person you like/love. Some days you may have a bad day and it just may be that person’s presence to brighten you up and vice versa. If nothing else be okay with however your relationship is set up and if you’re not, get out of it! Don’t stick around or continue playing the game, because you scared to be without that person in your life. If  you’re not happy, it’s not meant to be – SIMPLE!

Well readers, that’s my take on relationships at this present moment in time. Who knows tomorrow I may read this and be like ‘What was I thinking’ and be in a new state of mind, relationship-wise or a few weeks from now I may be right back in this same mind set. I hope this post offered you sound advice and a solid perspective on relationships, feelings, and communication. Whether you agree, disagree, may try a thing or two, or that you think what I wrote is silly – your opinion and you’re entitled to it.

Until next time … Namaste!

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